True confessions time: I don’t trust my God as much as I know I should.
I was hit with this truth in a big way as I listened to Andy Stanley’s message in his “White Flag” series on surrender and trust. One of the central premises of the first part of the series is that though we may try to run away from our God, we will never outrun Him. Our God doesn’t pursue us in order to punish us. He pursues us in order to bring us back.
I cannot think of a time that I ever ran away from my God. However, I can say that I have stepped away in order to do what I wanted and when I wanted to do it much more often than I would care to admit. I’ve sought a selfish pursuit that did my God no benefit nor honor. I did it because I wanted something now, not later. I didn’t want to wait. I wanted something and so I acted; on impulse.
As time passes though, I have discovered that I did not have to act so impulsively at the time. I should have paused. I should have waited. I should have surrendered.
If you notice, I am choosing to use the word, should. Some would say that using the word should invokes shame and ought not to be used. However, if you look at the definition of should it is a word that is used to signify obligation, duty and correctness. The word should indicates a desirable or expected state. Its synonyms are ought, shall, and must. And if you are paying close attention, I am not directing this should statement to anyone other than me.
I am telling myself that I should be able to trust my God more because He is my God.
I am obligated to Him because of my love for God and my relationship to Him. Maybe this is why we don’t like the word should. This word invokes accountability and makes us feel uncomfortable when we don’t live up to that obligation of relationship. We realize we have disappointed some one because of our lack of regard, lack of consideration and lack of trust.
Instead of trusting my God, I trusted in something else that I wanted more at the time.
Man, this is difficult to confess about myself. However, there is one thing I want more than anything. I want to be a follower of Christ who shares the real deal about her walk with Christ. It was not hard to trust God for my cancer. Cancer was beyond my control and influence. It’s not hard to trust God with my safety in South Africa. This is beyond my control as well. But the little stuff? The seemingly insignificant stuff? The stuff that no one sees me do except my God? Why is this stuff harder for me to trust God with? It’s because, for me, I think I’ve got it handled, got it under control, and got the direction I want to go. Of course, I don’t. However, I’ve deceived myself into thinking I do.
What is the nature of faith and trust? Faith and trust result from a confidence and commitment to my God and my Savior, Jesus Christ. Faith and trust are demonstrated by obedient action, loving surrender, and continuing good works. Faith and trust show my reliance upon God for my spiritual, physical and emotional needs and well-being because I am aware of how truly helpless I am – even with the small, insignificant stuff. Like I have already admitted, I deceive myself when I think I’ve got it under control when I go ahead and do something on my own.
I am not including any verses in this post. This is Heather in the raw. I chose to do a trust study in the Bible because I still have so much to learn about what it means to have a relationship of trust with my God and my Savior with complete and ultimate surrender.
I see that I don’t trust my God as much as I know I should… and I want to.