It shouldn’t be hard, should it?
It should be simpler, shouldn’t it?
So, why am I struggling so much with it?
What new path have I discovered in my walk with my LORD that has caused me to be so unsure about myself and my motives?
It’s this one: this trust walk and trust study.
My last word study focused upon the Rock. The focus of my learning and understanding centered upon God and His Son. Now the focus has shifted. Instead of looking at my God and His characteristics, this study has caused me to look inward. I have identified characteristics within myself that I honestly don’t want to own up to.
My God is plumbing deep within my soul.
Yep, me. Need an example?
Tomorrow, my next on-line course begins in my Autism Certificate Program. The last time I started a new class; I freaked out and was filled with anxiety. I wanted to quit because I didn’t think I would be able to do it. Well, I did do it. I did well. I earned an a+ to be exact. So you would think that I would be feeling confident and ready for round 2. You would think I would have nothing to worry about. You would think I would be feeling excited. Right?
Well, to be completely honest, I am nervous and anxious all over again. I have read through the syllabus. I have read through all of my new professor’s expectations and here I sit on the eve of this new class; freaked out once again. The same worries and fears have risen to the surface. Will I be able to do it? Can I manage homeschooling, teaching and facilitating a Finetown Workshop, running the household and all of the other things that fill my day, week and month for the next eight weeks and still write all these upcoming papers in APA format? Can I do it?
What is my problem anyway?
Where is this anxiety coming from?
Haven’t I learned anything from my past experience?
What is preventing me from surrendering my worries and anxiety to my ever-present and ever-trusting LORD? What is going on inside of me?
David wrote in Psalm 26: 1-3
Vindicate me, O LORD, for I have led a blameless life.
I have trusted in the LORD without wavering.
Test me, O LORD, and try me, examine my heart and my mind; for your love is ever before me and I walk continually in your truth.
A blameless life is a full and complete life. A blameless life is one of simple, honest integrity. To say it another way, David lived a full and complete life of integrity. He trusted in his God without shaking, slipping or sliding. Did David sin? Of course he did. We know he did. However, David lived a life of consistent fellowship and relationship with his God. When he sinned and harmed his relationship with his God, David asked forgiveness. He sought out his God for mercy to repair and regain the trust of his God.
Do a quick Google search on ‘regaining trust of God’ and you’ll note that the entries all focus upon us regaining or establishing trust in God. However, what I want to flesh out is do we need to regain God’s trust in us?
My God is reliable, sure and true. His works and His words are established and have endured through all time. “The works of my God’s hands are faithful and just; all his precepts are trustworthy.” Psalm 111:7 NIV
The word trust that has been used again and again in these scriptures is batach.
The Hebrew transliterated word, batach means to place one’s hope, confidence, safety and assurance in something. So far, every scriptural reference of batach shows man placing his trust in God or God asking man to place his trust in Him. I have found no scripture that shows that God placed his trust in us; yet.
I think I have found my answer why I’ve been struggling with this trust study so much.
The question for me is not “Do I trust God?” I do.
The question I am grappling with is “Does God trust me?”
Like I have already written, areas of pride, vanity, anxiety, selfishness and mistrust have been revealed to me by my God through Scripture reading, prayer and circumstances in life. I see my sin and I wonder, “How can my God trust me when I see evidence of my unfaithfulness and the pride, vanity, selfishness, and anxiety within me?”
In every relationship I share with some one, trust is a two-way deal. How can it not be with my God as well? Trust is built over time in large and small ways as I remain faithful and true to the ones that I love.
I want my God to find me faithful and true. When times of heart testing and motive examinations come, I want Him to find me blameless. I want my life to be one of integrity. I want my God to trust me.
Dear Heavenly Father,
My heart is heavy as I see the pride, envy, selfishness, vanity, anxiety and mistrust that have weighed it down for far too long; a lifetime really. Father, I am sorry. You have remained so faithful to me and carried me through so many difficult things. Your trustworthiness is not lost upon me.
Father, I confess my selfishness when I only think of myself. I confess my pride when I want to do well and be seen as doing well. I confess my envy when I see others who look like that are having it easier than I am; when I want my life to be less difficult. I confess my vanity at wanting to look good and to be good. I confess my present anxiety over this new class that begins tomorrow and my fear of failure. I confess my motives that are too often self-centered and fail to consider You or those I love. I am sorry, Lord. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I desire your trust.
I am not sure what tomorrow will bring. If I will be less prideful or less anxious, I hope so. However, I humbly ask that you show me Your faithful and trustworthy ways so that I may walk onwards through the power, grace and mercy of your Son Jesus. Because I know, that I cannot walk in such a surrendered way without You or Your Son. I love you.
Photo by Brit Pic of Flickr