My God invites me to talk with Him every day. He wants to listen to what I am feeling and thinking about and working through in my life. Lately, my mind has been filled with worry, fear and anxiety and insecurity.
It’s nothing I am proud of, that’s for sure. I’m working through a core issue of why I don’t feel “good enough” in my graduate program. One of my strategies in life is to work hard to gain the acceptance and approval of others. As a follower of Christ I know that my approval doesn’t come from man, but from God. I know this in my head, and if I was counseling or mentoring some one in my position, you would hear this message loud and clear. Basically, what I am dealing with is a fear issue.
Yesterday, my God gave me this word from Psalm 56:
When I am afraid, I will trust in You.
In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust;
I will not be afraid, what can mortal man do to me? Psalm 56: 3-4 NIV
Then today, my God brought me these words:
Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge. Psalm 62: 8 NIV
So far in the Old Testament, the word trust that continues to be used in Scripture is batach. Batach is a secure, confident, and bold reliance upon Elohiym the Almighty God, the Creator of Heaven and Earth, the Ruler and Judge of all. My God who reigns over all eternity cares about my concerns, wants to hear about my fears, and desires for me to pour my heart out to Him.
I find that absolutely amazing.
To pour in Hebrew is the transliterated word, shaphak. Shaphak means to spill, to gush, to dump and to shed something.
How do I take this?
Well, in my mind, my God wants me spill my every thought to Him.
He wants me to dump all of my ‘not good enough’ feelings before Him.
He wants me to shed my false thinking and exchange it for His thinking.
My God wants me to gush.
There is another word I want to introduce from Psalm 62:8. It is refuge. It’s meaning is significant for me today, as well. Machaceh is the Hebrew transliterated word for refuge; its primitive root is actually chaceh. Machaceh means to seek shelter and protection not only from danger and harm, but from falsehood.
My ‘not good enough’ feelings and thoughts are false attacks.
They just aren’t true.
Somewhere in my life, I embraced the false thinking that I am not good enough. I haven’t figured out where this thinking came from yet. I’ve been praying about it. A lot.
This is what I am pouring out before my God right now.
I want to shed this false thinking. I’ve got plenty of other things to occupy my time and attention; believe me.
Why do I share this so transparently with you? Well, because I want people to know that just because I am a missionary and serving my God in full-time ministry, doesn’t mean He isn’t molding and shaping me. He is; all the time. Second, I make this confession because I believe we all have something we need pour out before our God. He wants us to do that. He wants us to talk to Him. He wants us to shed our false thinking.
Just look at Psalm 62:8…it says trust in Him at all times.
This is my desire.
In 2 Corinthians 12:9 -10, Paul wrote to the Corinthian church, “But God said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
Again, I amazed. My God desires to take a weak, “not feeling good-enough” kind of person like me, and demonstrate His mercy, His grace and His power. Even more so, He doesn’t want me to keep believing that I am not ‘good-enough.’ My God wants me to rely upon him by pouring out my feelings of inadequacy. And as I do that, He will help me overcome them and not seek to control things in my life –like a graduate program-with my own talent, energy, or hard work. By admitting my weakness, I am affirming, depending and trusting in the strength and power of my God.
And hopefully by doing that, my God will continue to help me, transform me and set me free from the insecurity and anxiety within my human nature.
It’s time to do some shedding, don’t you think?
Photo by adrianismyname of Flickr