I just did something I haven’t done in over a year.
I’m not exactly happy about it.
So, it’s confession time.
Especially because I’ve made it known that I’m attempting to live my life fully dependent upon my Lord for my every need and not on some temporary, feel-good-for-the-moment fix when tough days come.
But today, a tidal wave of dark, despairing thoughts overtook any type of human resolve I possessed.
My courage and determination washed away. Condemning, accusatory, hurtful thoughts caused my aching heart to waver. I was overcome:
You don’t matter.
You are not significant.
You are easily overlooked.
You aren’t important enough to be considered.
Your needs have no value.
You aren’t worth it.
You aren’t even remembered.
Oh, my heart hurt today.
I reached down into the bottom drawer of our freezer and took hold of a handful of chocolate chips (20 or so) and I consumed them. Every single one. The chocolatey delight of these little chips soothed me. They did. I don’t know what it is about chocolate but it has some kind of anaesthetizing power over my heart-crushing pain.
It’s the first time in a very, very, very long time that I have sought out chocolate to help me feel better. I’m not proud of it. However, I write this admission because I don’t want anyone who is close to me or who reads my blog to think that I don’t have moments like the one I’ve been having today.
I was overwhelmed with a whammy of yuck.
Have you ever had one of those days?
A day when you realize you’ve allowed yourself to let a lot of junk into your mind – that you normally wouldn’t let in – because you’re tired, you’re weak, and you’re vulnerable?
I’d love to say that I went to my God first today.
And I’m a missionary, for Pete’s sake.
I succumbed to feel-good, chocolately appeasement.
Honestly, I believe these ‘you’re not so great’ feelings have been building up over the year. They took root with a doctor dissing my homeschooling efforts with my autistic children in early January. Then some things happened in which I was totally ignored and forgotten. Recently, our family experienced a horrendous border crossing in which we were treated with disrespect, disregard, and disdain and I saw the depravity of man in terrible, I-don’t-want-to-believe-it’s-true color. And it’s all left some bruising marks on my tender, open heart.
I’m in a state of distress.
How grateful I am to be able to go to my God and just let Him know that I’m a bit of a wreck.
He understands. Thank goodness.
Here’s what His grace-filled Word says to me:
May the LORD answer you when you are in distress, may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
May He send you help from the sanctuary, and grant you support from Zion.
May He remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings.
May He give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed.
New International Version, Psalm 20: 1-4
So, here I am.
I am recounting my distress.
I am seeking my God’s care and protection.
I’m asking for His help.
I’m appealing for His support.
I’m requesting that He remember me and to please acknowledge my prayers.
As far as the desires of my heart, and my plans – honestly, I think I just need some time to rest, recover, and begin again with this life I have on earth. I don’t have big plans right now. As I shared with a friend recently, this has been an others-focused type of year – in a big, significant, all-consuming way.
It helps writing about it all. That’s why I blog sometimes – just to go blaaaaaaaaaaaaaah about my messy, I’m-a-work-in-progress life.
Thanks for reading!
Thanks for caring!
Thanks for letting me confess to you about caving into the luring appeal of chocolate as I dealt with some not-so-great feelings.
And thanks for letting me begin again…
Because I will.